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By “Suicide
Kolozsy” on his hard tail Indian Scout
We’re going to
have a big free show folks, watch what we do… Meet the
Daredevils, they are out here on the front stage to give you a
quick demonstration of what you can expect to see inside the
thrill arena…
I want you to get
to know the motorcycle maniacs, meet Izzy N. Zane, Ian Zanity,
Willy Dingham, his brother Kenny Dingham, and last but not
least, Kenny Makehit…
These speed freaks
are going to give us a little free demo to give you an idea of
what goes on in the thrill show about to begin…
This is a roller
dynamometer setup, the same as that which is used in the
motorcycle speed shops where they tune racing motorcycles for
grand prix racing…
The motorcycle on
these rollers behaves exactly as if it were on a speedway
track or the highway, with one exception, here on the roller
dyno, no matter how fast you go, no traffic cop can write you
a speeding ticket…
Ian Zanity, our
best rider will demonstrate some of the acrobatic riding you
will see in the thrill arena, but before we do that, Ian is
going to go through the rider’s doorway to the thrill arena,
and start up one of the death bikes…
Open the door
Rocky, look folks, look through the doorway into the vertical
speedway, that, is the Board Wall of Death…
Folks, all of you
get in close, I want you to see this...
Inside that big
barrel, a gang of daredevil riders risk it all in every show…
Now listen people,
what you hear, is the sound of Harley Davidson motorcycle
engine with special modifications, it is part of a hard tail
customized frame with specially designed suspension for
stability, Ian Zanity is going to warm it up, and then he is
going to put it up on the wall of death…
Close the door
Rocky, Ian, whenever you’re ready…
When he is all
done with the demonstration ride, we’re going to bring him out
here to show you some acrobatic trick riding on the dyno
rollers…
I can hear him on
the takeoff ramp, and there he goes defying gravity on the
vertical speedway, who wants a free look, give Ian Zanity a
little encouragement, give it up people, let him hear you in
there, I can’t hear you, how in the world is he going to hear
that pathetic squeak over the thunder of that big Harley he’s
riding, I still can’t hear you, if you make enough noise,
we’ll let you look for free…
Open the door
Rocky, let the people see what it’s like, now folks, Ian
Zanity is taking a sleepy little slow ride, a little low
altitude cruise simply to demonstrate that it is possible to
defy gravity on a motor bike, in the show he goes much faster,
and does amazing tricks, plus you get to see multiple bikes
racing simultaneously, and acrobatic tricks as well…
Close the door
Rocky, and here folks, while Ian Zanity comes in for a
landing, Kenny Makehit is going to demonstrate a few of the
stunts performed on the wall inside during the show…
This level of
expertise takes years to perfect, do not under any
circumstances attempt these stunts on your motorcycle, no
matter how drunk you may be, this is only for trained
professionals…
Remember, there is
an awful lot that can go wrong, in addition to the many
horrible mishaps which can result from rider error, there is
world of misfortune which can result from mechanical failure…
If the brakes
should suddenly break…
If the two tires
get too tired…
If the throttle
cable doesn’t throttle ably…
If the cylinder
doesn’t silly correctly…
If the
transmission doesn’t transmit…
If the engine
doesn’t gin…
If the drive chain
doesn’t drive…
If the piston
doesn’t… (hesitate)
…work as it should
either...
Well, let me put
it this way, if the slightest little thing goes wrong, why
you’ll see nothing but buckets of blood and ribbons of flesh
among the twisted metal and flaming debris…
This show is not
for the faint of heart…
Folk’s we’ve come
to the part that everyone has trouble with, the price of
admission…
Ask anyone who’s
seen the show, and they’ll all tell you the same thing, it is
worth the price an much more, for the small price of
admission, you get thrills, chills, and sometimes spills…
An experience you
can’t get anywhere else, a memory that will last a lifetime…
The show is scary
enough that the girls will cuddle up to the boys, the boys
will want a motorcycle more than ever…
The show is for
everyone from eight to eighty, if you’re under eight you
probably won’t understand it, if you’re over eighty, your
heart probably can’t stand it…
For the rest of
you, what you just saw out here clearly demonstrates but does
not even closely approximate what goes on inside…
If you already
have a ticket, you don’t need to get in line, you can climb
the stairway to the observation gallery and get the best spot
to watch the stunt riders perform…
Those of you who
don’t yet have tickets, well it’s your lucky day, there is no
shortage, the show is not sold out, and we have a pleasant
surprise for you…
We are about to
run a special sale on tickets…
The tickets are
good for this show or any future performance of the Wall of
Death Thrill Show, you can use it now, or put it away for
later, this is why some of the folks are on their way to see
the show with tickets they purchased beforehand…
We run these
specials once in a while and right now just happens to be once
in a while…
The regular price
of admission to our show is a five dollar bill for adults,
kids under twelve of age go for three dollars…
There has never
been anyone who saw the thrill show and felt that they failed
to get their money’s worth…
Take it from me,
if you come out of here after the show and tell me that you
were cheated or misled, if you can honestly say that you were
not given the opportunity to see everything I’ve described to
you today, if you can show me where I can see a show like this
for less, well, I will personally and cheerfully refund your
money, and furthermore, I will apologize for taking up your
time, because I stand behind every statement I make, and I
believe this to be the best show on the midway, and I folks,
am an expert in the field of entertainment. I write college
level courses on the history and the techniques of show
business, and if you take a pass on seeing this show, well you
are only cheating yourself…
Cashiers, pay
attention, put away the regular tickets, bring out those rolls
of specials…
Folks, if you are
smart enough, and if you are quick enough and slick enough to
take advantage of this unadvertised and frequently
unpredictable special sale, you can buy adult admission
tickets for the price of a child’s ticket…
As long as there
is a line in front of either one of these two cashiers, the
admission tickets will be sold at the child’s ticket price,
not five, even though the show is well worth the usual price
of admission, but now only three…
Hurry along just a
little, if you’re in line then you’re in time, but once this
line breaks we put away the reduced price tickets and the
price goes back up…
Get the tickets
now, and use them at any show, plenty of time to find the
Missus and the kids, the shows go on all day and all night,
you never have to wait long, but the reduced price tickets are
only available right now, so don’t miss out…
"Racing, riding,
dipping and diving on that straight up and down board wall
just like the walls of your very own home, these motorcycle
maniacs risk life and limb for your amusement and
edification"...
Death defying
daredevil wall riders risk life and limb racing on the
vertical wall of the ninety degree racetrack at speeds you
simply won’t believe…
Thrills, chills,
and sometimes spills, as these riders demonstrate trick and
fancy riding, acrobatic riding, dips and dives, hare and
hounds racing, baton passing, and exhibition formation riding
on a vertical speedway…
Due to the
extremely hazardous nature of the stunts and exhibition
performed here today, there is not a single solitary insurance
company in the world willing to write a policy covering these
daredevil performers in the unfortunate event of an accident
or catastrophe…
They perform these
death defying stunts and tricks entirely at their own risk and
have no accident or medical coverage of any sort whatsoever
available to them at any cost…
The management of
this venue believes this to be a completely unacceptable state
of affairs and has established the daredevil wall rider’s
insurance fund. This is an audience supported voluntary
contribution fund with all money set aside for the expenses of
injured riders when the inevitable tragic mishap eventually
occurs…
If you have any
change in your pocket that you can do without, now is the time
to demonstrate your support for these daredevils who risk life
and limb on a daily basis just to thrill, to please, and to
amuse you…
If you simply grab
a handful of change and hold it out over the edge of the giant
barrel, that’s right, everybody hold some change out over the
hard unforgiving arena floor fully twenty feet below, now
everybody, on the count of three, when I get to three, I want
everyone here to simultaneously release the coins. This will
accomplish several things, firstly it will contribute to the
riders disaster fund, and secondly, it will clearly reveal the
enemy. The enemy of course, being the force of gravity. These
riders defy the law of gravity, and can survive only as long
as they can keep their balance, if they should lose their
balance, they lose everything, and gravity wins…
(Coins rain
down on the count of three)
We can all plainly
see how dangerous a fall from this height can be, the coins
hit hard enough to bounce, a human body would simply break,
and if the unfortunate stuntman were to get pinned under one
of these four hundred plus pound motorcycles, well they would
be crushed as well...
I would like to
thank those of you who have contributed to the disaster fund,
and now I have a proposal to those of you who would like to
demonstrate the type of reckless daredevil bravery our riders
display with every stunt…
If you have the
kind of personality that likes to be admired and if you like
to be the center of attention, if you think that you would
make a good daredevil, well, here is your chance to prove it…
Those of you who
are brave enough, and if you have a banknote to spare, paper
currency, a twenty dollar bill, take out your wallet, that’s
right sir, now pry it open, break into fort knox, pull it out,
and fold it like this, hold it out over the pit of death,
between two fingers, and whatever you do, don’t move a muscle…
We are going to
send our best rider, on a high speed cycle, to ride up to the
very top of the wall, and as he flashes by, he is going to
collect the donation and put it into the collection box, at
breakneck speed while holding the handlebars with only one
hand…
Great job Ian
Zanity, do we have time for another, OK, I need two brave
souls who each have a ten dollar bill, Ian is going to collect
both in one pass…
Do we have four
people with a five…
Now everybody who
has a dollar bill…
Thanks to the late
but not forgotten Jack Waller, Bill Stuart, Lucky Vinn, Speedy
McNish, and all the other Bally Talkers, Spielers, and Grind
Men who taught me this wonderful pitch…
Vintage 1940's
Louis Marx & Co. Daredevil Motor Drome Windup Toy
If you have a question you would like
to submit email us at the
Sideshow World
Motor Drome
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